For a guy who refuses to invest in the market, you sure claim to know a lot about the market. Since you claim to understand the market then you are just plain stupid not to invest in the market since it is totally rigged to go up.
You really can't lose provided you don't invest in stupid stuff. Here is a safe portfolio for you Jeff: XOM, P&G, COST, MSFT, APPL, ABBV, BRKB. Nothing outlandish and you will make solid dividend income accompanied by growth with little risk. You will also be able to sleep at night and should stay ahead of the ever-present and growing inflationary pressure that you put in office in 2020.